Afraid of Everything

23 12 2008

I am so afraid.

I can’t stop worrying, analyzing, judging myself.

I am so tired.

I am too tired to write, but I am pushing myself, trying not to run away.

I am afraid of problems. I run away. I am afraid of stress that my health and body can no longer tolerate. I run away. I am afraid of tackling a task and ending up with less-than-perfect results. I run away. I am afraid of seeing myself in a worse light than I already do, in other words, hating myself more than I already do. I run away. I don’t do much so I won’t fail. I run away.

I am afraid of people. I am afraid they will offend me. I am afraid I will offend them, which, it turns out, I do quite often. I run away. I never have the right or appropriate things to say. I come off as awkward and tense. My discomfort around people makes them uncomfortable. I run as far as I can.

I keep running, only I am out of breath and places to go. I have nowhere else to go. I’ve ended up in a very small and dark room. The walls keep closing in, tighter and tighter: the more I run, the smaller and darker the room gets.

I know I have to stop running. I need to stop, stand still for a while, a long while, and then start walking in the opposite direction, i.e., towards that which I have been running from. Only I have fallen into so many holes before, I am afraid I will only fall again. I am all broken bones: there are no more left to break. Still, I want to try, but I am afraid.

Fear has such a tight grip over me. I am afraid of people. I am afraid of work, which is why I can’t get myself to commit to a job in spite of the offers I get. As for people, they may will see how empty,  insecure and self-doubting I am. If and when they see that I don’t accept myself, how will they accept me? I run further and further away and lock and bolt my doors.

I am afraid of work, especially of trying something new. I know that challenges are the best paths to growth and achievement. This I am fully aware of. But I have no real understanding of my limits and have been known to take on tasks that are way beyond what I can handle, falling short every time. So I can’t trust my judgment enough to accept a new task/job/challenge. I am afraid of the holes in the road. I keep running.

I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of  life, of  living.

I am so tired. I am out of breath. I need to stop running and face the monsters. How will I ever get the upper hand again when my fear and anxiety have a life of their own now with me under their tight leash?

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