I think I can?

23 12 2008

After spending some time in solitude, I made a few discoveries. They came as a result of a not-so-pleasant confrontation. Even more of an eye-opener was a remark made to me about my fruitless job search, for which I am to blame: “There is nothing that you believe you can do.” After the initial indignation, I decided to try and be objective and stay in the real situation instead of taking offense and dismissing it as a mere personal insult. I decided to consider it a simple remark expressing a very close someone’s opinion of me. Then I asked myself, “Why does she think that? How much truth is there to it?” I did a lot of contemplating and soul-searching, delving deep into my memories.

And to my disappointment, it was. It really was. There is nothing I think I can do. Every time I see a job vacancy ad, I think first of all the reasons I can’t perform this job well, sorry, perfectly that is. Then to further convince myself that I “can’t” do this job, I add the hard work involved, the bad hours and the low pay. Okay, now I am convinced this not a good fit for me. (I am looking for a perfect-fit-job.) But feeling guilty for not making an effort, I apply for the job anyway, hoping I won’t be contacted. Then, if I get a call, my nightmares begin.

I start fretting and losing sleep over the interview and the requirements of the position. I go through the motions (the interviews, the tests), hoping I won’t get it. If I do, I dedicate myself to finding grounds for dismissal.

So here are the discoveries I made:

1.     I am too scared to go back to work. I can’t stop thinking about the stress, the deadlines, people getting on my nerves, and most of all, (and don’t laugh), being in a situation where I don’t know what to do or what to say. Thanks to my inner voice.

2.    That same voice won’t give me a break. It doesn’t have one nice thing to say about anything. It can’t see a potentially good thing anywhere in the horizon, let alone in a new job.

3.    My inner voice has made my very limited self-confidence evaporate into thin air.

So how do I get out of this vicious cycle? I know that I am to blame and my inner voice is actually killing me. I realize that it regularly feeds me such vast amounts of negativity and fear that I seriously wonder if I can ever overcome it. It’s so automatic and deeply ingrained in me.

I wasn’t aware of all this before. I am now aware of the existence of an inner voice inside each of us and I am more aware that mine is a venomous one. I also know that I have to make a “conscious” effort and be more “aware” of this inner dialogue. I try to use affirmations and positive talk: it works for a short while and then I fall back into the same rut; I somehow automatically forget and submit.

Here’s to hoping that my new positive inner voice eventually prevails.

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