A Sweet Encounter

3 03 2009

I am having an unbelievably hard time grasping how enormously isolated from people I have become. Over the past 2 years, my OCPD, which I wasn’t aware of back then, has taken over my social life. I mean I’ve always had a hard time getting close to people and maintaining long-term friendships. But still, I was in touch with some people: a phone call here and there, an outing. Ever since I quit my job and suffered disillusionment, I just gradually completely disconnected from everyone, convincing myself that being with people was more trouble than anything else. I unfailingly had a rationalization for every time I didn’t make that call or passed on that outing: “it’s not worth it, I’ll just end up being more pi**ed off than I already am, I am happier watching TV alone, I am terrible company anyway.”

I haven’t really been conscious of all this until very recently; it was a very automatic/subconscious process. Now, that I am in the reprogramming stage, I am zooming in on every one of those thoughts and to what extent they’re me just being judgemental and projecting my OCPD. I also realized and actually understood that my previous behaviour, specifically body language and facial expressions, prevented people from approaching me. I am trying to become more easy-going and more lenient on myself and others.

The other day something very surprising happened. A complete stranger approached me and started a long conversation. After the initial freak out, my reaction to all things, big and small, by default J, I said to myself, why not? I wasn’t reserved and got engaged in the conversation. He seemed, “seemed” being an operative word here, for I have yet to shed my deep-rooted scepticism, genuinely interested. He seemed like he liked and wanted to get to know me better. He even made a couple of sweet remarks!

Now, that it’s all over and I have no way of contacting him neither does he me, I find myself saying, “No good could have come of this anyway.” Or could any good have come of it? I have already tried relationships and having had my share, I decided long ago that solitude would be my path. But really, how do I know? Why do I always assume the worst? I have visualized so many scenarios where he’s wicked, manipulative, and at best, a liar.

I guess I’ve long before lost the innocence and good heart that takes things for what they are and expects the best. I now only expect the worst. Of course above all, I am flattered more than anything else. But dismayed as I am at the abrupt ending of this sweet unconventional encounter, I am relieved it took place before he got a chance to see me making a fool of myself or God forbid, get to know who I really am.

So, until further notice, worry not, dear solitude, for I am here to stay.

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