I am Angry

9 03 2009

I am angry.

I am angry that I am lost.

I am angry that I have black-and-white all-or-nothing primitive thinking.

I am angry that I fall short of the “white” in my own black-and-white divisions.

I am angry that I haven’t much to give on any level.

I am angry that I haven’t got the will to do much.

I am angry that my head is exhausted from being overworked thinking, rethinking, second-guessing, and over-analyzing.

I am angry that I am physically tired from constantly overworking myself physically and mentally.

I am angry that I am not cheerful, bright and glowing.

I am angry that I am not easy-going and find it very hard to smile.

I am angry that I cannot find humor, even on deliberately searching, and find it extremely difficult to laugh sometimes.

I am angry that most of the time, I don’t know how to react, and when I do have a negative reaction, I don’t know if I am right to do so or if I am “overreacting” as I am known to do.

I am angry that I have to go around asking for others’ opinions in a futile search for “the right thing to do.”

I am angry that I overdo everything to the point of burnout then am forced to discontinue, i.e. quit, i.e. fail.

I am angry that I have to read things three or four times to make sure I understand the individual words and the general meaning for fear of missing something. (Reading is very exhausting.)

I am angry that everything I have to or want to do is a mountainous burden to me.

I am angry that I care so much about the little things that I can’t get the big, serious and important things done.

I am angry that I get mocked about being in therapy and am told, “You should see your doctor. You need to.” (i.e. your brain is malfunctioning again)

I am angry that I am thinking about food all the time as a sole source of comfort.

I am angry that I don’t like myself.

I am angry that my rules are so strict that they control me although I put them there.

I am angry that healthy long-term friendships/relationships are a foreign concept to me.

I am angry that in a conversation I keep asking detailed questions, to the annoyance of others.

I am angry that the slightest unexpected change in plans throws me off and ruins me for the day (and makes me angry). I have to wait for the next day to start over with a fresh plan that, hopefully, will not be met with unforeseen intrusions.

I am angry that to me, “flexibility” is only an abstract definition, not an understood and applied concept.

I am angry that I do not understand moderation.

I am angry that I can’t grasp “simple,” “easy,” or “average.”

I am angry that I do not know what I want or what I like.

I am angry that I know not much about feelings, how to express them or what to do with them .

I am angry that I feel perpetually unarmed, unprepared, and most of all, UNSAFE.

I am angry that my most terrifying demon is the UNKNOWN.

I am angry that my quest for control controls me.

I am angry that I do not understand how I ended up here.

I am angry that most of the attributes others like about me are the exact ones I detest about myself, thereby causing me to dismiss all praise.

I am angry that I need others’ praise (see previous point) to feel good about myself.

I am angry that I can’t say “no”.

I am angry that I am compelled to perfect things to see myself as a good person.

I am angry that I am not perfect.

I am angry that I feel three times my age.

I am angry that I am tired.

I am angry that I am depressed.

I am angry that I am afraid and worried ALL of the time.

I am angry that I am who I am.

I am angry that I don’t like me very much and can’t possibly internalize how others could.

Above all, I am angry that change is so extremely difficult, even more so seeing as how weak I am in the face of it.

 

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