The Light Inside

29 11 2010

It’s very difficult for me to accept that someone might remotely want to spend time with me, let alone enjoy my company or like me. I am convinced that they’re either wrong or can’t see clearly. At the same time, once someone expresses any form of liking for me, I cling so hard, probably because this person is doing the job of two. Naturally, their love is never enough. That’s also probably why I’ve never been able to say “I love you.” I feel it’s not genuine. It doesn’t come to me easily. Not loving myself, I neither accept love from others nor am I able to give it.

Furthermore, there are two feelings that I am too familiar with: fear and guilt. Otherwise, I am not fully aware of my feelings and to take it a step further, I don’t allow myself the “luxury.” I rationalize. I think about my feelings, usually concluding that I SHOULDN’T be feeling like this. So, in other words, when I am afraid, I am upset that I am afraid. When I am nervous, I am upset that I am nervous . . .

I believe I have no inherent value, no worth. I am not good. I don’t deserve any goodness. I try to identify myself as a “good” person, a strong person, a hard worker, but it’s all a façade. I change my looks and behavior. I change the way I talk. Still, I am the same. I don’t FEEL different. I don’t FEEL better. The ugliness is all still inside: I am weak. I am lacking I am vulnerable. I am not in control. I make mistakes. I am not perfect.

It turns out I am not alone. Everybody is this. I am just the one who sees it differently, as ugliness, as unacceptable shamefulness. This is human nature, a reality that others seem to accept about themselves. This is why they treat themselves well, in every sense of the word. That’s why I didn’t. How and why would I be nice to or take care of someone I don’t even like? We are not supposed to be perfect. We are not supposed to be impenetrable. We are supposed to be human, vulnerable, flawed, special, unique, negative at times, fall and get back up. I need to learn to start to accept and love myself just as I am, with all my flaws and imperfections. Then and only then can I find balance, take care of myself and maybe even have healthy relationships. The feelings are a part not to be ignored. Feel them. Live them. Then, maybe, understand them. Surely, not all those who know me are mistaken, delusional or being plain nice. There must be something good in me. I’ll have to dig deep and look hard, with a magnifying glass. Surely, there must be some light inside.




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