A New Leaf

24 03 2011

 

I’ve been away for a long time. And it’s not because I was extremely busy. My busy-ness comes in separate, inconsistent fragments – on and off. I like to deny, stay away from OCPD and any reminder of it that I can, for as long as I can. Every time I feel safe enough or strong enough or “happy” enough — oh, and most importantly, productive enough, I stay as far away as I can from any distant mention of OCPD. I don’t really know how healthy or unhealthy this is. The only way I can label it is “denial”. “As long as my life is somewhat working, I have never even heard of OCPD and I will conquer the world, too.

So far, I have been living two separate lives.

1)      To the outside world: (Distant friends, acquaintances, co-workers) I am a rather normal, dull person. Extremely polite and courteous. Very hard-worker. Perfectionist. Hope to get everything right – in the world and in myself. Helpful. PLEASANT (so funny!). Set impossible missions and goals of reshaping myself and my core.

2)      To me and the people who are cursed enough to know me up-close: Obsessive. Stubborn. Hopelessly depressed and hopeless. Blackness in abundance. Disturbed and disturbing. Just weird. (“You think about the strangest things in the strangest way!”) (And some here will attest to this J) Nothing is worth any effort. Even washing my face is too much of an effort which I am not worth. I am a useless island. Neurotic.

For the last good ten or twelve years I have been violently oscillating between these two characters: Living in mode 1 for as long as I can and then colliding head-on with reality, driving me into mode 2. This oscillation has also been fueled by my continuous futile attempts at talking myself into wellness and productivity. but now I finally admit. If you don’t have something, talking yourself to death won’t change reality. Positive self-talk, etc., has only temporarily helped me, but not on a sustainable level. I’ve even used it as a “leaf” to cover my inner barrenness. It’s been really painful and harmful, this sliding back and forth between healthy-person mentality and complete-psychopath peculiarities. It feels like I am a schizophrenic, two people in one, that ill-fated one aware of both persons and lost as to who’s who, when. ??

Not to waste your time with anymore useless detail, I want to first apologize for any offense I may have unwittingly caused anyone.

Second, I want to turn a new leaf. And this is a different new leaf. This leaf is not about a list of resolutions or goals to meet. This leaf will not be about what the new me is going to look (or think) like. This leaf has only one goal – resolution, if you will. The goal of this leaf will be to freely leaf through the pages of the book of me and see where I will end up. Hopefully, I will uncover and discover as I journey on, removing the layers upon layers of gunk, fear and hiding that have hidden me so well from everyone, including myself.

I am going to attempt this through writing, as much as I can, as openly as I can. And whoever is out there reading will be my sounding board. I am going to try to write about the innermost, most uncomfortable and weirdest experiences and thoughts. Please, share your comments, questions, suggestions at any time.

My heart is already pounding.

May the leafing and uncovering lead me to a new leaf where the writing is clear.

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One response

8 05 2011
Michelle

None of this unkind stuff that you write about yourself is really you, ( Who you truly are) It is just mind, that is the nature of mind, like a cat will meow and a dog will bark. Who you truly are is the watcher of the mind the aware presence underneath all the minds loony activity and you try to work it all out with the very mind that created it and you go round in circles because the mind knows nothing else no other way to behave. Try to pull back allow the mind to rant and rave and have its way remain detatched and feel your true beautiful, perfect, peaceful, presence that needs no correcting or rebalancing. That is who you truly are. Pure concousness, pure perfection the silent witness. ocpd is a personality disorder and personality is determined through the mind along with all the conditioning and experiences from birth till now its just mind stuff its all illusion like a play in a theatre. Have you read The power of now by Ekhart tolle. I think you will get much from it. Kind regards Michelle

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