It’s always NO!

24 03 2011

I have this terrible habit of saying “NO!,” automatically and without thought. Sometimes it’s out loud and more often it is a scream on the inside. I whine on and on about being unemployed, and at the first sighting of a potential job, I am ready with all the reasons why it won’t work for me. NO!

The other day I was visiting an organization in a prelude to do volunteer work with them. I was checking out their activities and what kind of work they do. Because they had a festival to prepare for, someone hinted that I could MAYBE attach ribbons to name-tags just to help. ( What? NO! I am a touring visitor.) I got the image in my mind of sitting down in front of the ribbons and name tags at home. There was my evening. Suddenly, I felt flushed and the “no” was already bursting out of me. I could hear myself saying, “NO, I AM NOT DOING THAT!”

This was more like a tiny-panic attack. I felt stuck and straitjacketed. All I could think of was NO! NO! NO! “Why did I come? This was a mistake. I wish I hadn’t come. NO!”

Why?

Maybe because the whole thing had an artistic air to it, which is my weak point. I am no good at arts and crafts.

Maybe because I thought I would be “taking work home.”

Maybe because I felt the shadow of the C-word (Commitment) falling over me. (Why does this seem like the jackpot?)

I don’t know what it was, but it’s been two days and I am still bothered by the strength of the experience.

So, I held in my NO really hard and sat down to detach and attach ribbons to name tags. I also held in my annoyance. I kept reminding myself of how “it doesn’t hurt to try,” as a dear friend once told me to always remember. Very nervously, hands shaking, I worked away. After a while, I began to pay more attention to my surroundings to find very nice ladies (other volunteers) who made conversation with me. To my astonishment, they didn’t seem to be saying “NO!”. Not only that, but they seemed to enjoy what they were doing. Why was I so bitter and tense?

Any ideas? Similar experiences?

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