Falling in Love

1 07 2011

My wise French friend: “You have been through the seven desert years. You have crossed that and that’s finished. Now you will enter a new stage. Green.”

Me: (Whatever! That is the lamest future prediction I have ever heard. My whole life to come is desert . . . . ) (Smiling) Really? You think so? Trop Cool!

 

So I have embarked on a journey. The aim of my journey is to find Love, with a capital L. I know it sounds pretty corny, but the prelude is actually very tragic: I found out that I have religious OCPD – Scrupulosity. To make a long story short, I was dealt a blow: my OCPD and clever mind had compromised my spirituality, reducing it to dos and don’t’s and punishment and reward. After the crying and wailing, which, make no mistake, was not a little, and after the trembling and resenting, and after the shock and disbelief, I took a deep look into the state of my spirituality and realized exactly what I need. I need to find Him, to get to know Him, from scratch. I need to feel His Love, His Kindness, His Embrace, His Embrace, His Embrace, Him. I need His Kindness to nourish my starved soul and heart.

 

I have thought deeply about this – and I don’t take THINKING lightly – and realized that I need to get acquainted with Him from scratch. As I do this, I find, for example, that I am beginning to be able to smile, just a bit, which is no small feat as smiling was previously an impossible task for me. I was either laughing at something or I had a very grave facial expression.

One thing that makes sense in light of this is the constant gap I feel, the constant dissatisfaction. No outing or recreational activity or company is ever enough. I find that I don’t enjoy most things like others do. At the end of whatever I have done to enjoy myself, I feel a missing something: the base that completes these things, that gives them their pleasing qualities, is lacking in me. I am beginning to believe that this x factor is that Love that colors everything else with pleasantness.

 

I want to fall in Love, slowly and savor every minute of it. I want to float in clouds. I want to be mushy and warm all over. I want to feel like I have the whole world in my hand. I want my heart to be so filled with Love, that it’s going to burst. I want my happiness to show on my face. I want to reach that degree where one is completely absorbed in and is willing to do anything for his Beloved. For me, this is the ideal relationship: unconditional Love, I can expose my weaknesses and vulnerabilities without worrying, wait, I don’t need to expose them. My Beloved already knows me, full well. There is no such thing as misunderstanding here. (Just the thought of not needing to hide, of being fully accepted and even more, being supported, carried through, makes me ecstatic!) Warmth, kindness, support; He gives so much more than He takes. I speak to Him directly, whenever I want to, wherever I am. My Beloved will not leave me or walk away. He is with me, always.

 

My wise friend may have been right after all: I may be entering Green.

Insha’Allah.

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