A Load of Heaviness

26 04 2012

I had resolved not to come back to this blog.

It was a conscious decision.

It was the end of an era. 

I would start a new blog . . . with a different outlook, a different tone. 

I would focus on the positive, on healing.

I am back. 

I hope my “backness” is temporary. I associate this blog with very dark thoughts and days in my life. Here is where I gave voice to the blackest of black thoughts and the lowest of low points in my existence, except of course when I was too low to even type. I gathered my strength, my tools, my support system and I said goodbye to this page. 

To be honest, it went well for a while. But then, then “things” came at me again, just as I was beginning to get comfortable and confident. And suddenly, I realized, “This is life, dear. Life does not come in neat chronologically stacked boxes and categories. Life is random and crowded. Things will come at you in crowds and then, nothing. This is life. You just need to wake up and look at how other people live. Get out of your immaculately and perfectly empty box, my friend.”

Not that I am complaining. Thankful, I have learned to find — or at least make an effort to find —  something to be thankful about in every situation. Suffice it to remember the line, “It can always be worse,” or “Others have it much worse.” 

What I am concerned about is that, still, I may slip back into the depression that places the unbearable load of heaviness on my shoulders and in my chest and my eyes. A load of heaviness that renders a pen in my pocket as heavy beyond my carrying capacity. A load of heaviness that creates a problem out of every little task. A load of heaviness that tints my glasses with shade so dark, I would rather not look, at anything. A load of heaviness that leaves barely enough in me to breathe. A load of heaviness I know too well and loathe too heavily.  A load of heaviness that brings me down, and persistently keeps me there. 

 
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